Social Media Sabbatical, Week 3.75: From Bad to Worse
I suck at doing this Lent thing. So far, I have used reading, shopping, online shopping, shopping for lipstick, Netflix Instant, Words With Friends, eating, and working as substitutes for social media. I have been total crap at using my time to meditate, pray, and be present.
I’ve used a great deal of time shopping for an Easter dress, because OBVIOUSLY the point of giving things up for Lent is so you will have more time to look for an Easter dress online!
I’ve been a total grouch this last week. I am tired, and I’m missing the outlet that Twitter and Facebook provide. I can vent there, safely. I don’t post gory details, but it’s ever-so-helpful to be able to say “Aaaargh, I’m frustrated with my kids/classes/life/dogs” and have people respond with support and encouragement. Without that pressure valve, I’m not venting, and the pressure builds up. I feel mean. I am mean.
I also feel like everyone is missing the benefit of my hilarious commentary on the universe. Or, as I refer to it in my head, “Magnanimous Me.” I picture myself as a Steve-Carrell-voiced cartoon character who bestows her wisdom upon the world via status updates, and right now, the world (because clearly everyone in the world reads my Twitter feed and Facebok status updates) is missing out. Can Steve Carrell voice a female character? Yes. Yes, he can. Very well, so it turns out.
Where was I? Ah, yes. I like the “language” of Twitter and Facebook. They are conversations with their own rules, and I like playing with those rules to create tiny little stories.Blogging isn’t exactly the same thing. The medium is the message, and all that (yes, yes, I’ve read McLuhan).
What if this Sabbatical ends up being a totally failed experiment? If that’s the case, I’m going to be really bummed about missing six weeks worth of (virtual) human interaction. I don’t like failing. Even though failing is, generally, learning, and I do like learning. May I shouldn’t call it failing – maybe I should call it practicing. I should probably remove “failing” from my vocabulary.
I keep bringing myself (I have to keep bringing myself, always already) back to this: what if it DOES succeed? What are my parameters for success? Or, better, yet, what do I want to learn? If learning is the goal, is failing better than success?
I have no idea.
(Also, I think I just referenced Derrida and Despicable Me in the same post.)
What I do know is that I’m clearly trying to avoid SOMETHING, or I wouldn’t be filling up my time and distracting myself so much. The goal is to get to whatever it is I’m trying to avoid. It’s not even about social media right now. It’s about never sleeping, too much work, too much to do. I’m getting carried along with the current. Social media was just a coping mechanism. Of course, that’s what Lent is all about, isn’t it? Getting rid of your coping mechanisms so that you can see what’s really going on.
Right now, my life feels like a basketball game that’s gained momentum in favor of the other team. I used to play in high school, and that was the worst feeling: to feel the momentum of the team, the crowd, rolling over you toward their victory and your loss. I’m trying to use this Sabbatical to call a time out, to get my team in position, to run the play. I want to post up under the basket, to feel the rhythm of the passing of the ball, watch for the opening, set the pick. Let my muscle memory kick in, feel like I’m in that place where I know what the heck I’m doing.
I want to feel like I’m in my groove, in familiar territory, on my own court. I want to say to whatever it is I’m trying to avoid: “I’m on the home team, and this is my house and you will not run roughshod over me.”
Time out. Whistle. Hands on knees. Gasp for air. Sip of water.
Long exhale.
